Self Image

Self image is how we see ourselves; inside and out.  I have struggled to see myself as a beautiful person the past, oh geez, forever?  I don’t know if I have a new found respect for myself or if it’s the times that Danny has called me beautiful that has lately turned that around.  

Outer appearance is something that has been a personal demon for me since Jr. High.  Those are the years that girls start coming into their own and have a lot of things racing through their heads.  6^th grade I was the “Jesus Freak”, 7^th grade I dressed like a plain “freak” and 8^th grad, haha, Spice Girls all the way!  Going into High School I was just a plain mess.  I have very THICK hair and had no straighter at the time… almost enough said.  Once I hit my sophomore year I think was the turning point for trying to “fit in”.  All I could do was be myself.  I didn’t belong to any particular “click”… just trying to get by the rest of my HS career without getting beat up really.  I talked to just about everyone that I could and that didn’t judge me for whatever reason.  I kind of steered clear of those HS DB’s though… yeah you know the ones I’m talking about.  And that should go without saying that there were a few DB-ette’s as well.  You have a few everywhere… 

After being in college for about 3 semesters, I got pregnant with Kasen and ate like I was pregnant!  When he was born it took a while for my body to get back to somewhat normal again.  On a side note real quick, those of you that have a baby and look like nothing ever happened two days later, I want to kick you… in the nicest way possible.  Here we are 5 years later and I feel better than ever.  I may not be as healthy as I would like to be but I think all of that is about to change.  I have learned to appreciate myself for who I have become inside and out.  

I think that last weekend was a little bit of a test for me.  We went to swim at a friend’s pool in the apartment community he lives in and his place is crazy!  I mean, it looks like Spring Break there at the pool.  Kids were there, as was Kasen, and there were tons of people.  Just having a good time drinking a few beers and swimming.  Kasen had a blast.  Immediately I noticed that I would be the only one in a one piece… not only a one piece but a momma one piece!  At first I didn’t want to take off the cover up… that lasted until it got too hot to stand anymore, about 5 minutes later!  After a while I just got really comfortable… I noticed that nobody was staring (as I thought they would) at me or anything like that and just had a good ole time!  It was nice.  For about a year I became very aware of the weight gain that occurred and hated my arms.  As most girls do.  That is another thing that I am proud to say I am over more and more each day.  I may not be two piece material or anything like that but I have accepted my body as it is and would like to improve it.

I truly don’t think you will ever appreciate the change you make on the outside until a change has been made on the inside as well.  Love yourself for you first then work on the areas you would like to improve on your outer appearance.  I have been working on my inner self the last 4 years or so, hard, and now I think it is time to start working on the outer… for me as well as my family. 

That’s all I got on that. Love you for YOU!  

BFF... Forever?

    One thing I have come to realize is the meaning of friendship.  There are so many different categories in having a "Friend"...

   First, you have the "Social Network Friend".  Meaning you may have gone to HS with them and haven't really talked that much since then, or just acquaintances.  You "Poke" them every once in a while, comment on cute family pictures and like a few statuses.  Your most likely not going to go hang out with them most weekends... They are really only there so you can stalk their photos or what may be happening in their personal life like a new kid or whatever else.

  

   The second is the "Party Friend".  Somewhat the same as the last, but not really.  Confused?  Let me explain.  They basically only get called on when the other is going out... like their sidekick or something.  They are the ones that you know you will have a good time with!!  Maybe not the one to bring home to mom and dad, but non the less, a friend. 

  The third is the "Coworker Friend".  You spend a lot of time with the people you work with, so you start to form little friendships with them.  Whether or not you go out and party with them or go shopping, you still consider them as a friend.  You talk to them about family and maybe even some of your other friends and give advise as well as take it.  May not hang out with them outside of work, but you know they will be thinking of you if anything were to ever happen... that to me is a friend.    

   Fourth is the "Every So Often Friend".  They will call you EVERY so often when they are bored or something exciting is going on in their life.  Now I can speak personally when I say that I love to hear when friends have great things going on for them.  But, when I call to tell you something, good or bad, and you don't answer or return a phone call... that will slowly fade that I even care what is going on with you... good or bad.  Out of all the groups, I think this one will annoy me the most. 

   Fifth is the "Grade School Friend".  No matter how old you get or where your living, working or doing, you can always call up a friend or two from the school years to hang out and pick up like no time has ever passed.  I know maybe 2 girls that I could do that with.  We may not run in the same exact circles now, but if I were to call them up to come over for a few girly drinks... they would say "What time?"  We would listen to music we used to and some we didn't... but all the same... have a GREAT time doing it!! 

  

   Sixth would be the "Two-Faced Friend".  Yes, we have all had them a time or two in our lives, and some of us still do.  They will love you when around you and talk about you as soon as you are gone.  I honestly don't have the energy for that much these days.  Were girls, so we LOVE gossip from time to time... I am just over that kind.  Remember: If your friend is talking bad about another one of her friends to you, then chances are... she is talking bad about you to them.  Guilty, I am NO saint.  Something I think I have worked on well.  I try not to say anything about anyone that I wouldn't let them know myself.  So if you ask, be prepared for for the answer.  

   And last but not least, the "Best Friends".  I have just a couple that I have stayed in great contact with since we graduated HS.  No matter the new friends they may have made or the new adventures they are on... We have always been there for each other.  Weddings, Kids, Heartache and Celebration!  You are prepared to drop everything at their most needed times.  You get an occasional card from time to time from them just letting you know it was "Friends Day" (I wish I did that more often).  The BFF should have a little of the 1st, 2nd and 5th in them all rolled into one.  Of course, we have had our "So Often" and "Two Faced" days... BUT we are past that now and are still the strongest of friends!!  I love these girls and consider them family.  I just hope they know that! 

   That's it really.  

~Ash